Still time to salvage the week?

I can’t say much now; I’m running late to pick up the boy but I wanted to check in quickly, if only so I can fill in one more check box on my to-do list for today. So far the fate of the day is still up in the air as, is my habit in recent weeks, I kept myself busy with minor housekeeping and chores…at the expense of the single job application I’ve been kicking down the road for two weeks now. In the small victories department:

• Today I actually opened the laptop and Word AND my cover letter for the job.  I got to the application, just too late in the day.
• Compared to where I was in December, I’m miles ahead in the amount of daily time I spend being productive, and not in the viscous cycle of beating myself up to the point of all-day inaction.

Still, the smallness of these victories screams loudly to me.  How much longer am I going to keep putting this thing off? Am in in denial about my true capabilities? Am I really ready for full time work, or even the task of finding it?  I’m terrified of the alternative.

You’ll know I salvaged the week if:

• I finish this post in under the 5 minutes I set aside for it.
• I start my next one by reporting the job application submitted.

Day 3 and already playing catch up

Well technically, it’s now day four.  And I’m already catching up on a missed day, the third in my plan to make writing a part of my daily life. I’ve even coined a cute little hashtag to make me feel young and tech savvy; #just5 is my reminder that I can do anything for five minutes a day, and writing is an activity that produces immediate benefits felt most by boosts in self-confidence and feelings of accomplishment.

In short, just by writing this post, I know I’ll feel substantially more productive and confident about the day as a whole. And by definition – for a change – I won’t see the day as a total failure, the all too common judgement my inner critic hands down at the end of the day.

I digress…check in to follow later today.

That’s 1 in a row…and small victories

In my last post I talked about feeling afraid and overwhelmed by life, and the coping strategy I’m really trying this year of breaking every challenge down to very small, bite sized chunks. Along with setting manageable expectations I’ve already experienced pleasantly an unfamiliar fringe benefit or two.

I’m actually accomplishing what I set out to do. I’m winning small victories, but I’m winning. And in my own quiet way, I’m celebrating.

That’s my #just5 writing for the day. I look forward to checking in (yikes, another therapy term) tomorrow.

In the meantime, beware the mad ravings of a man one day into a lifelong journey.

Another kick in the balls, Part X

Here I go again, less than 10 days into the new year and I’ve found myself in all too familiar waters.

No longer content just to procrastinate on the job hunt and ever growing list of household jobs sitting at 75% complete, I’m now in full on avoidance and fear mode; afraid to check my (empty anyway) email, increasingly weary of leaving my house or answering the phone, some days bordering on the agoraphobic.

I’m writing like mad right now, desperately trying to get thoughts down on paper and posted before I relegate another 3/4 of an article to the purgatory of the drafts folder.

Why? And how is this time going to be different? Because I need to write. Now I see regular, daily writing as an important, therapeutic part of my return to normal adulthood. And this time I’m doing it differently:

1) Taking a page from Einstein (or your source of choice) I’m trying to change my daily routine so I can rationally expect a different daily outcome, thus avoiding some degree of insanity.

2) So that this kick at the can has a moderate chance of success, I’m only making changes in small, manageable chunks – 5-minutes to be accurate. My #just5 approach to goals and change is based on a simple assumption; that in any given day, I know I can spend #just5 minutes on, well…anything.

3) With an idle mind left too long to stew over my shames and fears, I need to get my critical voice and its worst case scenarios out of my head so I don’t become a self fulfilling prophecy. I need to get my fears out so they don’t haunt me. I need to get the bad version of me out so I don’t become him.

Tomorrow’s goal remains, to make music, to make my anonymous confession, to change my routine…if only for #just5 minutes. Even a brief amount of time will tell.