Telling my wife I lost my job

It’s been almost a week. Most spent in a daze of blow and booze.

Avoiding reality. Avoiding what self medicating substance abuse has done to me, my family and more.

Even avoiding telling my wife.

Who should have kicked me out a decade ago for nearly bankrupting us with a daily habit of crack and Oxy. Who’s given up hopes of house repairs, vacations and so much more she – and my kids – deserves.

I’m sitting at home, in the dark, waiting for her to come home from work. I’ve even got a script ready. Something like:

• I’ve got some bad news and good news.
• I got let go yesterday (already a lie) in the latest reorganization at the company (half true)
• Everyone I talked to has shown a ton of support, including my old CEO setting up a contract gig for me (true, but not guaranteed)
• Booze played a role, and I know this is a do or die moment for me. I will go dry and I will make this right (true in theory)

So it went, and here are some of the highlights in response…all understandable and true:

• You’ve ruined me financially
• Your son knows you’re not worth looking for if you’re at the bar
• You do nothing around the house, nothing for the kids
• I can’t keep doing this

Again, all true and all warranted. All deserving. All make or break for me and my relationship with my family – assuming it’s still salvageable.

Now the question is: Are my wife, kids, family, finances, future, etc…are they important enough to change my behavior?

And if not…

Can’t avoid reality for long

Another day, another 10 pints and a gram of blow. Why? To get a little boost of energy to:

Not tell my wife.

Not sign my severance letter.

Numb reality instead of facing it.

I can’t avoid it any longer. Reality will catch up eventually. And I know the sooner the better.

To a better tomorrow.

Fuck “Succesful People”

Every few weeks I come across the same infographic – the one that shows the difference between successful and unsuccessful people:

I don’t know if it’s because the graphic is baselessly false – or precisely because it’s true – but I hate it. It makes me pay little attention to the things I’m doing right, and feel like shit for the things I’m so obviously doing wrong.  

Give Credit Where Credit’s Due

To be fair, I think much of what bugs me about this graphic is how it fits with my own self-criticism:

• I drink a lot
• I watch TV every day
• I don’t know what I want to be
• Say I keep a journal (this blog) but I don’t 
• I fly by the seat of my pants…and more. 

But Let’s be Real

This is a highly over simplified graphic. Yes I fit many of the criteria for an unsuccessful person, but at the same time:

• I do eventually journal (this post a case in point)
• What I watch on TV is news or news related
• When I do drink (current post a case in point) I’m almost always reading articles or responding to emails
• I fly by the seat of my pants because I work for a high growth tech firm
• I do keep a to-do list…but I’m used to having only a handful checked off by the end of the day (workday or weekend, work or family)

What’s the Lesson (Hint: Booze)

Most of this categorization is subjective bullshit, in my humble opinion, but one thing stands out from the rest. 

I’m an alcoholic, and I still can’t admit it. 

From my “let’s be real” comments, I think almost anyone – successful too! – can relate to 4/5 of my situation. Among successful people I know, almost all have to fly by the seat of their pants to a degree, and they all leave work with tasks undone. 

What they don’t do is drink…or at least not like I do. Consider that, on an average work day, I do at least 2-3 of the following:

• Fighting a daily hangover to get to work some time between 9:30 and 11:00 each day
• If I stretch my work arrival to noon, trying to get 2-3 drinks in me to get my workday started 
• If not, taking the first opportunity to get 3-5 drinks in me so I can “work at 100%”
• Take at least one break in the afternoon to “go for a walk” when in fact I’m back at the bar keeping my buzz on
• End up getting home to my family anywhere from 8:00 to 11:30 because I had to catch up on what I didn’t do for the day 

All told, I estimate I spend 3-5 hours (don’t ask how much money I spend) at a bar of some kind every day of the week. That’s:

• 3-5 hours a day
• 21-35 hours a week
• 82-150 hours a month

If that’s not enough reason to give up drinking, I don’t know what is. If that’s not enough, I’ve given up alcohol for months and years at a time. 

All which begs the question…what will it finally take for me to give up a habit I know is so self-destructive?

I’ve pulled myself out of this before; I just  can’t find the way out now. Life’s too busy – or just busy enough a to do it. 

I’m back…again!

Hi again my loyal readers. Remember me? After an on again/off again run at this blog from 2012-2015, I dropped off the radar screen again for a couple years. 

Well, I’m back – at least for now (hold applause until I get at least two posts in a row). What spurred me back to the blogging world was a graphic a friend of mine shared on social media about the connection between successful people and keeping a journal:

Source: http://www.dailyinfographic.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/10/Successful-Unsuccessful-Infographic.png

In spite of all the important things I have in my life – amazing, loving wife and kids, a house in a neighbourhood I love, etc. – I naturally don’t see myself as a successful person. As you may recall from earlier posts, that’s my thing (and I know I’m far from alone); magnifying my failures and discounting my victories. 

That said, simply restarting this blog – hopefully 3-4 times a week, my version of keeping a journal, and keeping mental health discussions going/growing – will I hope be a step in shifting my mentality. A cognitative change in behaviour that I know can shift my emotions in the right direction. 

So, thanks for reading and stay tuned for more. I’ll try and update you on the last 2 years tomorrow. 

Cut a great bargain…with myself

Right off the top, let me say that I did not meet the expectations I set for myself last time I wrote, going on three days now. I did my writing in time but didn’t finish the cover letter.

By my own and no uncertain terms I was in my rights to declare the week a a failure. My inner critic was chomping at the bit and tempting old habits – like self criticism and sabotage – circled like vultures.

But I didn’t give in to temptation or my typically harsh judgement. I stopped.

Taking a page from Daniel Kahneman’s excellent bookThinking Fast and SlowThinking Fast and Slow, I stopped. To breathe, to find calm, to think rationally. I caught myself in time with three anchors of reason:

1) Life’s not black and white, all or nothing. Everything in life is painted shades of grey. Yes I missed one goal, an important one but immediately urgent only to me. What’s I tend to forget is that I met the other 80% of my goals and did even more. How can I give myself a failing grade? Would I judge someone else through the same harsh eyes? Bottom line….I give myself a solid B+.

2) This old catastrophizing, self-sabotaging habit of mine is a stubborn bugger. Getting past it, accepting what I did instead of dwelling on what I didn’t, even giving myself a pat on the back…these are precisely the things I need to learn how to do again. They pose the biggest, toughest challenges in my life right now.

3) Through smart choices, a healthy attitude and the right meds, I’ve been on a bit of a run lately. I’m taking all my meds, I’m doing more and I’m keeping myself busy all day long. B2C days (bed to couch) are rare when they used to be daily. It’s too easy for me to forget the progress I’ve made, big picture progress. I need reminding that my worst days now are better than my best days in December.

So there you have it.

Maybe I’m finally starting to learn how to appreciate myself as is…that, or I just bargained myself off the hook for putting off an increasingly urgent task that I’ve been avoiding for ages.

Procrastination or appreciation? Crazy or lazy…thoughts?