Archive | Crazy at Work RSS feed for this section

A new start…day 2

13 Oct

64815888-reset-calendar-day-date-change-new-start-3d-illustration

In the spirit of celebrating small victories on the road to recovery, kiss my ass because it’s party time! Yes, I’ve made it another 36 hours and I’m still committed to my latest new start.

Have I been sober? No.

Did I just get back from grabbing one last 1/2 gram of blow? Maybe.

But is tomorrow another day? Yes.

Tomorrow’s not just another day; it’s the day I’ve marked on my calendar with a big, circled red X. It’s the most recent day I’ve decided is my first day of a new life of sobriety. It’s the day before what in theory is going to be my first AA meeting.

48 hours from now it’ll be Monday nearing midnight and, if I’ve succeeded I’ll have accomplished at least 2 out of the 3 following things:

  1. Drank my last drink and snorted my last line of blow
  2. Gone 36 hours with neither narcotic nor alcohol passing into my body
  3. Going to my first AA meeting ever

Will I make it? Will this time be different?

Stay tuned, not just for a progress report but also my love/hate relationship with AA and why I make such a big deal about it. Meanwhile, wish me luck and I hope to back in touch soon.

Thanks for reading.

 

A new start…again

11 Oct

New Life Chapter One Typewriter

Here I go again, repeating a now-familiar pattern:

  1. Melt down mentally and financially, avoiding work, bills, friends, etc.
  2. Finally quit whatever substance I’m using to self-medicate (and/or numb)
  3. Days/weeks of bed-ridden depression, anxiety and absence of self-esteem
  4. Slowly get back into basic personal routine – sleep, moderately healthy eating, etc.
  5. Revisit long-neglected doctors – mental and phsysical
  6. Start some form of group therapy Рfinally trying AA this time*
  7. Build on healthy routine – including household chores, writing and exercise
  8. Reach critical mass of healthy routine, lifestyle and mental state
  9. Begin new job hunt – and/or in this case – return to full time role
  10. Secure quick, early wins and build from there…but not f–king it up this time

I’ll give you one guess where I am now. Hint: if you’re at 3, you’ve gone too far, again.

If all goes well, you’ll learn more, and I’ll have progress to report, the next time you check in, including thoughts and progress on AA. This may be the key to not screwing it up again; I can barely afford to do it this time, let alone another. Too many loved ones, kids and dollars at stake, and not being the dad, husband or man I want to be.

Thanks for reading…

Fuck “Succesful People”

20 Sep

Every few weeks I come across the same infographic – the one that shows the difference between successful and unsuccessful people:

I don’t know if it’s because the graphic is baselessly false – or precisely because it’s true – but I hate it. It makes me pay little attention to the things I’m doing right, and feel like shit for the things I’m so obviously doing wrong.  

Give Credit Where Credit’s Due

To be fair, I think much of what bugs me about this graphic is how it fits with my own self-criticism:

  • I drink a lot
  • I watch TV every day
  • I don’t know what I want to be
  • Say I keep a journal (this blog) but I don’t 
  • I fly by the seat of my pants…and more. 

But Let’s be Real

This is a highly over simplified graphic. Yes I fit many of the criteria for an unsuccessful person, but at the same time:

  • I do eventually journal (this post a case in point)
  • What I watch on TV is news or news related
  • When I do drink (current post a case in point) I’m almost always reading articles or responding to emails
  • I fly by the seat of my pants because I work for a high growth tech firm
  • I do keep a to-do list…but I’m used to having only a handful checked off by the end of the day (workday or weekend, work or family)

What’s the Lesson (Hint: Booze)

Most of this categorization is subjective bullshit, in my humble opinion, but one thing stands out from the rest. 

I’m an alcoholic, and I still can’t admit it. 

From my “let’s be real” comments, I think almost anyone – successful too! – can relate to 4/5 of my situation. Among successful people I know, almost all have to fly by the seat of their pants to a degree, and they all leave work with tasks undone. 

What they don’t do is drink…or at least not like I do. Consider that, on an average work day, I do at least 2-3 of the following:

  • Fighting a daily hangover to get to work some time between 9:30 and 11:00 each day
  • If I stretch my work arrival to noon, trying to get 2-3 drinks in me to get my workday started 
  • If not, taking the first opportunity to get 3-5 drinks in me so I can “work at 100%”
  • Take at least one break in the afternoon to “go for a walk” when in fact I’m back at the bar keeping my buzz on
  • End up getting home to my family anywhere from 8:00 to 11:30 because I had to catch up on what I didn’t do for the day 

All told, I estimate I spend 3-5 hours (don’t ask how much money I spend) at a bar of some kind every day of the week. That’s:

  • 3-5 hours a day
  • 21-35 hours a week
  • 82-150 hours a month

If that’s not enough reason to give up drinking, I don’t know what is. If that’s not enough, I’ve given up alcohol for months and years at a time. 

All which begs the question…what will it finally take for me to give up a habit I know is so self-destructive?

I’ve pulled myself out of this before; I just  can’t find the way out now. Life’s too busy – or just busy enough a to do it. 

Cover me I’m going in

27 Feb

Taking a page from last week’s playbook, I’m on my way into work after a successful start to the day. I was up and showered quickly, spending less than 10 minutes watching the news over a cup of coffee (leaving little time to get lost in my head with only my inner critic for company). 

What’s more, I did something different this weekend. I worked for a couple solid hours on both Saturday and Sunday. Not enough to be a burden on my day or interfere with my kids’ activities, but enough to keep up my ‘mental momentum’ so I’m not hitting Monday morning from a standing start. 

How will the rest of the day pan out? Wish me luck and I’ll let you know. 

Being in the Right (Head) Place at the Right Time

26 Feb

How often does this happen to you?

After hours or even days of depression, procrastination and self-loathing, you finally find yourself with the energy and mood to do what you want/need to…but by then you’ve run out of time to do it. 

A couple cases in point, just from my last week:

At Work: (Not) Tackling a Mountain of Tasks

I spent one morning hungover (a story for another day) in meetings, struggling even to pay attention, let alone participate. Then a few more hours stressing over my workload, going out for smoke breaks and ruminating over my lack of productivity. 

Only when I had less than an hour left before I had to leave did I “snap out of it” and kick into the high gear I needed right after my morning meetings. In that last hour I got more done than in the previous eight…but I left with a mountain of unfinished tasks I promised myself I’d tackle over the weekend (not going well so far). 

At Home: Household Chores

Today I had the house to myself for five solid hours, and a manageable list of chores to go along with it. I spent half of it at the bar at the end of the street, and another hour watching Bill Maher, before doing the only productive thing I did all day – putting away a single hamper of already folded clothes. 

After another trip to the bar for a quick couple pints, and with 20 minutes before having to leave for my kid’s hockey game, it happened again. Only when I didn’t have the time to do it did I snap out of my rut and feel almost enthusiastic about tackling even the most onerous chores on my list. 

Sometimes it’s as if the only time I’m in the right mood to get something done is precisely when I don’t have the time to do it. 

What’s Your Secret?

I know I’m not alone so I want to hear your stories. And what I want to know just as much is, how do you align your mood with the time when you need it? 

Or…how do you end up in the right (head) place at the right time?

My Journey 2 Scratch

"The secrets to life are hidden behind the word cliché" - Shay Butler

800 Recovery Hub Blog

Written by people in recovery for people in recovery

Grit Flow

courage, resolution, strength of character

If You're Going Through Hell Keep Going

because we've all got a bit of crazy

The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive

The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive: Being Mentally Interesting and Other Stories

Vicarious Therapy

because we've all got a bit of crazy

because we've all got a bit of crazy

Bipolar 2 and Myself

because we've all got a bit of crazy

Philly Weekly

because we've all got a bit of crazy

Beyond Blue

because we've all got a bit of crazy

A Splintered Mind

because we've all got a bit of crazy

TotallyADD

because we've all got a bit of crazy

Artemis Unfiltered

Diary of an Agoraphobic

this is... The Neighborhood

the Story within the Story

digiphile

We're already living in the future. It's just not evenly distrbuted yet.

TED Blog

The TED Blog shares interesting news about TED, TED Talks video, the TED Prize and more.

%d bloggers like this: